Plain Clothes
by Evenstar496
Summary: It’s Halloween at Sirius’ and Remus and Hermione neglected to get in character – or did they?


AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, this story is mostly about Sirius, but Remus and Hermione are the centerpiece (and they get to have all the fun). It's quite silly. Take NONE of it seriously. I got a line stuck in my head and I couldn't rest until I'd fashioned a story around it. All the details are vague, but it's set a few years after the Trio has graduated, and is entirely AU, as Sirius is free and alive.  
  
This was written for the "On a Full Moon." writing challenge on the Lunar_ChartsRLHG Yahoo!Group. It's a Remus-Hermione fansite. You should visit :)  
  
DISCLAIMER: They aren't mine. They're JKR's. I'm just borrowing them.  
  
-----  
  
The Dementors were filing into 12 Grimmauld Place.  
  
Sirius Black stifled a yawn, as each one rattled past him with a smirk and a wink.  
  
It was like this every year. People seemed to think it quite a clever gag to arrive at Sirius' annual Halloween Bash as his former jailers, finally come to claim his soul. At least one or two could be counted on to follow him around the entire night trying to plant a wet one on him, "Give us a kiss, eh, Sirius."  
  
Sirius got the joke. He might even have appreciated it had more than a few of said Dementors had ever been attractive women, but they were often fat, old, *male* members of the ministry, whose idea of making up for twelve years of unfortunate imprisonment was assailing him with lousy Azkaban jokes all night. Sirius was neither amused nor scandalized. Just bored, a state that disturbed Sirius far more than imprisonment now that he was a free man.  
  
"It was unoriginal to begin with," he muttered to himself, not even attempting to hold back another massive yawn. "It's bloody monotonous now."  
  
Sirius scanned the room with a growing sense of disappointment. It was a pathetic scene. Unconvincing vampires and trolls and goblins mingled with equally ineffective veelas and merpeople and fairies. There were seven separate Boys Who Lived, none of whom evoked the original with any degree of flair or success. The *real* Harry, by the way, had been at a loss for ideas, and very much disappointed Sirius by showing up looking perfectly normal, save for having temporarily charmed away his scar.  
  
"I'm dad." The statement came out more like a question, as Harry knew it was a rotten excuse for a costume, that he'd expended very little energy and even less thought on it, and that it wasn't going to fly with Sirius.  
  
It didn't.  
  
"What the hell ever happened to imagination? Where's everybody's sense of adventure?" he sighed inwardly, bemoaning the fact that his bash was becoming a crashing bore.  
  
It was the worst sort of indignity, Sirius thought, to play host to a party that wasn't the slightest bit interesting. After all, what was the point of partying if it wasn't worth discussing the next day?  
  
Like the year Fred Weasley attended as everyone's favorite candy quill. He was covered entirely in sugar, wearing a cheeky grin and a large sign that read, "Suck me, and you'll look like you're thinking." Sirius was still disappointed he'd not thought of it first.  
  
Remus and Hermione - who, Sirius realized with another survey of the room, were not yet in attendance - had been worthy of a few stories the past few years. Once, they'd entertained everyone with uncanny characterizations of one-time Professors Trelawney and Lockhart, their impersonations all the more hilarious given the fact that Remus was dressed as Sybill and Hermione as Gilderoy. It made a strange sort of sense, though, as it was clear to everyone who was the more feminine of the two teachers.  
  
The Halloween before that, they'd arrived as life-sized Hogwarts portraits - the Fat Lady and Sir Cadogan, specifically. It was an impressive effect, their faces magically superimposed into movable reproductions of the paintings. Sirius never did find out exactly how they managed it, though he did bother Remus with a personal question.  
  
"So does this mean you'll need a password to get into Hermione tonight?"  
  
Remus simply rolled his eyes and laughed. Still, he began to look a bit anxious and uneasy, and the moment Sirius was distracted by a particularly shapely hag, Remus quickly maneuvered across the room - as best one does, that is, when boxed into a frame - and pulled Hermione aside for a short conference, which left him looking enormously relieved and grinning like a madman.  
  
*Yeah.Remus and Hermione - they'll come through for me*, Sirius assured himself.  
  
Right on cue, the doorbell rang. Sirius, certain the party had finally arrived, threw the door open, beaming at Remus and Hermione, who stood on his doorstep in plain clothes. Sirius' delight quickly dissolved into incredulity, then indignance.  
  
"What's this about?" he demanded, gaping at Remus, still decked in one of the drab suits he wore to school, and Hermione, in a red dress she favored for casual outings.  
  
Remus and Hermione exchanged a knowing glance. They'd expected this reception. For a straight man, Sirius could be the worst sort of drama queen.  
  
"Are we at least allowed in?" Remus asked, smirking.  
  
Sirius gave a pout. "Haven't decided," he said, nevertheless stepping aside so they could enter.  
  
"We're sorry, Sirius," said Hermione, offering Sirius a genuinely apologetic expression. "It's been a long week for the both of us. Swamped at work. Long hours. Too exhausted to do anything but sleep by the time we make it home."  
  
Remus nodded. "We've hardly had more than a few hours together since last weekend, no less time to dream up costumes and throw them together. Besides, we were hardly home five minutes before we apparated over here."  
  
"I don't believe it," Sirius said, still affronted. "My oldest, dearest friend on earth letting me down on."  
  
"Listen, I've not had a bite since breakfast. I'm starving," Remus said, impatiently eyeing the refreshment table. "Will you ever forgive us?"  
  
Before Sirius could answer, Remus had taken off to eat, pulling Hermione with him, and Sirius soon lost sight of his friends in the crowd.  
  
----  
  
A while later, Sirius, stepping out of the bathroom, caught the nearby echoes of helpless giggling. It was the sincerest sound of enjoyment he'd heard all night and he wasn't about to miss out on some *real* fun. However, before Sirius could locate the commotion a few rooms over, the giggling had transmuted into something of a whimper.  
  
This was due to the fact, Sirius soon discovered, that Remus seemed to have gotten his head quite stuck between Hermione's legs. How it got there - or why Remus had chosen to kneel on the floor in front of Hermione when there was more than enough room to sit beside her on the sofa - was anyone's guess (and Sirius had strong hunch), but neither were doing anything to dislodge him.  
  
On the contrary, Hermione didn't seem about to relinquish Remus, her hands blindly, frantically fisting in his hair, anchoring his head steady against her body. As for Remus, Hermione's lap appeared to agree with him very much. He made no effort to extricate himself from between her legs -- unless the urgent, diligent nodding of his head against her crotch was a struggle for his own release rather than -- well, *hers*.  
  
Writhing about and arching off the sofa, Hermione would have looked to a passerby to be in terrible pain. Sounded like it too - all strangled cries and groans and obscene mutterings. But the harder Remus' mouth moved over her, the more eagerly her body rose to meet the probing thrusts of his tongue and the more greedily she gripped him to her sex.  
  
His hands clawed up her body, leaving a trail of dark streaks along her thighs and hips and belly as he hiked her red dress up over her chest and groped her breasts with bruising possessiveness. She bucked into him and he issued a long, low growl, ravishing her relentlessly.  
  
*Guess he really was hungry*, Sirius chuckled to himself, as he almost reluctantly turned away and strolled back to the living room. After a side trip to the bar for a stiff shot of vodka, Sirius plopped down beside Harry on a nearby couch, staring at his godson quite thoughtfully.  
  
"They lied," he said after a few moments.  
  
Harry looked over at Sirius, brow furrowed in utter confusion. "Who lied?"  
  
"Remus and Hermione. They came in character after all. I just came from the back of the house and the Big Bad Wolf's eating Little Red as we speak."  
  
And as Harry quickly sprayed a mouthful of butterbeer all over the portly Voldemort standing in front of him, Sirius gave a wicked smirk, deciding the evening had not been such a waste after all, and set out to see if there were any cute Dementors who might like a snog. 


End file.
